We used to joke, early on, that we had nothing to worry about. That we had built our relationship on a different set of rules. More honesty. More communication. More intentional everything. We were wrong. Betrayal doesn’t make those distinctions.
Who we were
We had been together for four years. We met at a community event — one of those evenings that is ostensibly about something else but is really about finding your people. I found her immediately. She was funny and sharp and certain of herself in a way I had always wanted to be. What drew me to her, in part, was the sense that she understood things without them needing to be explained. The specific relief of a relationship where nothing has to be translated.
The discovery and the particular wound
I found out from a mutual friend. Our social circle was not large. I found out, and within the finding out was the immediate awareness that others had known before me. The betrayal was from my partner. But the secondary grief — the grief about the community, about who had stayed silent and why — was almost as difficult.
There is something specific about being betrayed by a woman, in a relationship where part of what you valued was a particular kind of understanding. When that is what is broken, the loss is doubled: you lose the relationship and you lose the sense of safety that had made the relationship feel like home.
Finding support and where I am
Therapy helped. Specifically, finding a therapist who was both queer-affirming and experienced in betrayal trauma. That combination was harder to find than I expected and more important than I had anticipated.
I am better than I was. I have rebuilt most of what was lost — the community, slowly and carefully. I have become more honest with myself about what I need from people and what I am willing to offer. I have stopped expecting that shared experience automatically creates safety. I am not looking for a relationship right now. I am looking for myself. That turns out to be not a small project.
— Submitted anonymously. Edited for BeyondBetrayal.net.